Fixation

I don't even know what attracts me to a person, but, well, I don't have to, in light of the pull. I don't know if they somehow make me aspire toward ideals for my own being, and then wanting to keep them around as a model, to be at a vantage point to their deepest. Or the cruelty that comes and goes with rigorous awareness (inner/outer) would, I might hope, be softened by the person's softness. Or if all attraction starts with a mutual edge, whether the attracted and attractor know it or not, that to attract means to cultivate something attractive, that to be attractive is to want attraction. And I hope the last is true, that I'm being begged to beg.

I wonder about having a life-long partner. Until now I've known attraction and fixation, however I may say and convince myself that I 'love' the partners I've 'loved.' Could that monogamy be the search for balance? The most intense form of companionship? I can't let it be reduced to that: love has to be, in some way, fulfilling the part that wasn't even evidently missing. What the fuck is love.